As Polonius prepares his son Laertes for a trip abroad in Hamlet, he tells him “this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” This is one of my most loved Shakespearean quotes and one that I try to live by daily. I can’t imagine the alternative.
Why live for someone else’s expectations? Why even try? What do you gain when you do so and more importantly, what do you lose? The price is too high to put other’s expectations in the forefront and live your life accordingly. To me, that is soul-trouncing and I want no parts of it.
This week the world lost an icon and, to me, his death while senseless and sad, was not the tragedy. To me, trying so hard to change yourself into what others expect you to be IS tragic to say the least. Michael Jackson seemed to always be determined to change himself. He always seemed to be wanting to be someone other than who he really was. Is this a condition that comes with enormous fame and fortune? Is it the condition of starting a career at such a young age? Is it the result of having every move you make scrutinized by the press and the public? Is it fear? I don’t know. To me, the sadness lies in not ever being able to find yourself. To me, the tragedy is dying without ever having been able to look at yourself in the mirror and love the person looking back.
It always seemed like Michael was that person - someone who Paul Laurence Dunbar had in mind when he wrote “We wear the mask that grins and lies, It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes”. It was evident by the way Michael tried so dilligently to change who he was - with his bizarre actions and relationships in and outside of his family - but also with how hard he tried to change the actual image of who he was. He was on a never ending quest to change his own face.
Many years ago, Michael Jackson sang an endearing and beautiful song for the movie Ben. The lyrics went:
Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind
And don't like what you find
There's one thing you should know
You've got a place to go
I wish he had listened to those words himself. If he only could have loved and accepted himself for who he was instead of running here and there trying to change everything to become something else. I’m fairly certain that, if Michael had a Polonius of his own telling him how important it was to be true to ones self, this ending might have turned out a whole lot differently than it did. If only Michael had given to himself a tiny portion of what he gave to the world.
Raise your hand if you’ve done any of the following in the past week:
a. Brought your daughter 30 minutes late to her last soccer game of the season because you had the time written down wrong
b. Had a flat tire because you forgot that your mechanic told you the back ones needed replaced…SOON
c. Had a sibling tell you that for the past six months you have been under the mistaken impression that you’re a whole year older than you really are
d. Forgot to leave your signed receipt for a meal at O’Charleys causing the waitress to run out into the parking lot to get the receipt from you. Realize the next day that when you pulled the receipt out of your wallet to hand her, it must have been some other restaurant receipt because the O’Charleys merchant copy was still in your wallet. (Must have given them the customer copy because my bank account was debited appropriately.)
e. All of the above
You know where this is going, right?
Yep, in the last week - the last week - I have done all of these. Probably did more too - and then forgot about them. Is dementia setting in? Gosh, I hope not. I don’t think that it is either. I think that sometimes stress simply wears us down by demands that we (and others) place upon ourselves. I was getting ready to start a new job, trying to get the house in order, having contractors come in to give quotes on badly needed work, still dealing with the appliance store for my dishwasher (see previous blog post), taking my daughter to get some academic testing done, shuttling to soccer, school, 3 lunches with friends and one interview for my examiner.com column and whew - some things just escaped me. Well, the age thing has been ongoing but I just found out last week that I was actually a year younger than I have been telling everyone (and myself) that I am since December. My sister told me the truth and although it makes me happy that I'm a bit younger than I thought, it also makes me a little concerned. Does that make sense?
So, now I know I have a bit of a - well, let’s call it a dilemma - I dislike the words issue or problem. I have some stress (who doesn’t) and I need to eliminate it to free up some brain space. One of the things that can really help is meditation. Since I have trouble sitting in meditation, I love to walk and meditate. I rarely listen to music or walk with another person. I like to have that time to myself to clear my mind and just relax and breathe.
Besides simply feeling better, now I have a ‘real’ reason to make myself meditate - clearing the mind and eliminating stress. It’s important and it’s something I am going to do for myself before I forget something really important like turning off the stove or where I placed my keys or where I left my kids or when the next big Macy’s Beauty Event is going to take place. Important stuff !
My dishwasher broke on Memorial Day weekend. The timing couldn't have been worse. It broke right after I had to have my heat pump worked on and a thermostat replaced. It also occurred while I was unemployed without a prospect in sight. Frustrated and tired from hosting my sister and her family for the weekend (which meant I took the couch while they took my bed), I sat down in my family room and I announced “I am at the end of my rope”. My eleven year old nephew sat nearby. He looked up from the television and he asked me “why don’t you get more rope?”
I could tell by the look on my sister’s face that she wasn’t impressed with his comment but I was. I thought about it more than once since that day and I came to the conclusion that not only is he right but having some more rope on hand is absolutely a necessity for me. I better have some extra around for when times get tough.
The dishwasher is still broke and it is now two weeks later. I’m annoyed because the appliance company didn’t do what they were supposed to do and they let five days lapse before ordering the part. I’m annoyed because the thing is only 2 years old and shouldn’t be broken. It’s frustrating to have to look at the dishes in the sink. But something interesting happens every night and has for the past fourteen days. I have to wash those dishes by hand and it isn’t half bad. It’s certainly not the ordeal I build it up to be in my head. I do have enough to do without the extra burden of having to wash dishes but when I am in the process of doing that task, I enjoy it. It gives me time to focus and meditate and look out the window and just breathe. And isn’t that what I’ve been wanting for months? Isn’t taking time to just slow down and be still something that I’ve been asking for? Yet when I receive it, I want to kick and scream and strangle the appliance guy.
Why is it so hard to recognize a gift just because it hasn’t come in the package I thought it would come in? When I wanted time to slow down and feed my soul, I envisioned myself on a getaway weekend on a mountain or at a spa or meditating in an Indian Ashram creating my own version of Eat, Pray, Love. But when I received the chance to slow things down just a tiny bit, I didn’t appreciate it. Does that mean I won’t get the chance again? I hope not. I hope it's a process from which I'm supposed to learn something.
And I am. I’m realizing the importance of having gratitude for all things, not just the things I want or think I want. Truth be told, rarely have the things I thought I wanted turned out to be all that great anyway. The things I didn’t want - like being laid off from my job - gave me incredible opportunities. I have created this website and written numerous freelance articles I wouldn’t have done otherwise. It really is the proverbial blessing in disguise.
The next time something breaks or the next time things don’t go exactly the way I want them to, I hope I can remember to look for the silver lining before the cloud. I hope I can see the gift that might come in a stained and unattractive wrapping but all the same, realize that it is a gift nonetheless. And that sometimes the gift will be small and sometimes it will give me more than I could ever imagine wanting for myself. All I have to do is appreciate it. And make sure I say thank you.